Some people in prison set out on the path to rehabilitation, but I, evidently, am going downhill. With each passing day, I become more and more of a hardened criminal.
Yesterday morning, a guard came for me and took me to a room where there was a samovar (a traditional Russian tea urn)! I’m not joking. There were teacups too. Besides the samovar, the room contained an investigator for especially important cases from the Main Investigative Directorate of Russia’s Investigative Committee.
He informed me that in our dear little Russia, they are investigating no fewer than three new especially important cases. Twenty-one investigators at the very highest level are working on them. And the criminal in all three cases is me — Alexei Anatolyevich Navalny.
First, according to the investigators, I stole all the donations you sent to ACF (the Anti-Corruption Foundation). The order is three little pages long, with no evidence whatsoever. It just says “stole.” That’s it. What is there to prove — have you seen his last name? You can bring any case you want against him.
Second, a case has been opened against me under the very exotic Article 239 — “Creating a non-profit organization that infringes on the personhood and rights of citizens.” The investigators accuse me of “inducing citizens to refuse to fulfill their civic duties.” This order is also three little pages long, and the evidence in it amounts to the fact that I published the film “Putin’s Palace” without permission. Ha ha ha.
And my third crime, being investigated by the very highest investigative authority, is insulting Judge Akimova. The very same lady who presided over the fabricated “insulting a veteran” case that stunned lawyers across the country. How exactly I insulted her is not specified either. Again, it’s simply: “Navalny insulted someone — here’s another criminal case for him.”
So don’t think I’m just sitting here in my cell, drinking tea and loafing around.
My mighty criminal syndicate is growing. I am committing more and more crimes. More and more investigators are occupied with me instead of trifles like murder, robbery, and kidnapping. We had thought that was what the Main Investigative Directorate and its “investigators for especially important cases” were for.
In short, I am a genius and the puppet master of the criminal underworld. Professor Navariarty 😉