Some people in prison start down the path of reform, but I, evidently, am going downhill. With each passing day, I become more and more of a hardened criminal. Yesterday morning, a guard came for me and took me to a room where there was a samovar (a traditional Russian tea urn)! I’m not joking. And teacups, too. Besides the samovar, there was an investigator for especially important cases from the Main Investigative Directorate of Russia’s Investigative Committee. He informed me that in our dear Mother Russia, they are investigating no fewer than three new especially important cases. Twenty-one investigators are working on them at the very highest level. And the criminal in all three cases is me — Alexei Anatolyevich Navalny. First, according to the investigators, I stole all the donations you sent to ACF (the Anti-Corruption Foundation). The ruling is three pages long, with no evidence whatsoever. It just says “stole.” That’s it. What is there to prove — have you seen his last name? You can open any case you want against him. Second, a case has been opened against me under the very exotic Article 239: “Establishing a non-profit organization that infringes on the personhood and rights of citizens.” Investigators accuse me of “inducing citizens to refuse to fulfill their civic duties.” This ruling is also three pages long, and the only “evidence” in it is that I published the film *Putin’s Palace* without permission. Ha ha ha. And my third crime, being investigated by the highest investigative authority, is insulting Judge Akimova. The very same lady who presided over the fabricated “insulting a veteran” case that stunned lawyers across the country. It also doesn’t say exactly how I insulted her. Again, it’s simply: “Navalny insulted her — here’s another criminal case for him.” So don’t think I’m just sitting here in my cell, drinking tea and loafing around. My powerful criminal syndicate is growing. I’m committing more and more crimes. More and more investigators are occupied with me instead of trivial nonsense like murder, robbery, and kidnapping. And here we were thinking that was what the Main Investigative Directorate and its “investigators for especially important cases” were for. In short, I am a genius and the puppet master of the criminal underworld. Professor Navariarty 😉