I know what needs to be done. We don’t need any damn producers. No Konstantin Ernsts. No Filipp Kirkorov screwing the naïve graduates of *Star Factory* (a Russian TV talent show). No Viktor Drobysh. The contest is geopolitical. As I understand it, even now half the finalists are a bunch from the former USSR. Given the current lineup, Russia needs to do three things to always win at Eurovision. 1. Recognize Transnistria’s independence (that’s always 12 points). 2. Make sure one of the microstates in the former Yugoslavia ceases to exist (no need to bomb anyone; it’s enough if somebody unites with somebody else). 3. Do everything possible to prevent Kosovo from gaining independence — those bastards would never give us 12 points.