Presidential envoy Khloponin (pictured without a beard) has definitively and irrevocably beaten Yevgeny V. Petrosyan in the competition for the title of the country’s chief comedian. The Ministry of Regional Development has submitted to the government a draft comprehensive strategy for the socio-economic development of the North Caucasus Federal District through 2025. *It must be clearly understood, the document says, that the North Caucasus republics will remain agrarian. Therefore, production chains must be created that make it possible to efficiently process local raw materials and ensure storage and distribution of the final product. ****As an example of a successful production cluster, the authors of the concept cite the alcohol industry — “the liquor, cognac, and sparkling wine production of Dagestan, North Ossetia, and Kabardino-Balkaria.” ***So the very same “bootleg Ossetian vodka” and “counterfeit alcohol” that constantly show up in crime reports are now being presented to us as a “successful cluster.” Wonderful. Yes, new modern distilleries have undoubtedly appeared in Ossetia, but we should be absolutely clear about why: they churn out untaxed alcohol for the entire country. This is a textbook criminal parasitic business, harming the rest of the country. Just a modern one. *First and foremost, the tourism and recreation sector should be developed — clusters for health and wellness tourism (Stavropol, Karachay-Cherkessia, Kabardino-Balkaria, Sernovodsk), mountain tourism clusters (Arkhyz, the Elbrus region, Matlas, Mamison, Veduchi), ****and beach tourism (the Caspian coast). ***Beach tourism. In Dagestan. I don’t even want to bother with the sarcasm. Let Nasha Russia (a Russian TV sketch comedy show) comment on that. I’ll just say that the sequence “tourists arrive — people stop killing police officers” is not exactly correct. Will someone please tell Khloponin that first people stop killing police officers, then the police officers themselves stop looking like Pirates of the Caribbean, and only then do tourists arrive. About ten years later. *Transport infrastructure also needs to be developed. A great many roads need to be built: both between the district’s cities (for example, Psemen — Chernigovskaya — Dagomys; this road is needed to create the Trans-Caucasus tourist route Vladikavkaz — Anapa), and roads leading to the countries of the South Caucasus and the Middle East. Rail links with the South Caucasus countries — Georgia, Armenia, and Azerbaijan — should be restored, the strategy’s authors believe. As a future prospect, freight traffic to Iran should also be increased. *Thank you, Captain Obvious. Transport infrastructure needs to be developed. In that case, I suggest starting with Leningradskoye Highway and the 20-kilometer (12.4-mile) traffic jam near Sheremetyevo. Though maybe the Psemen–Chernigovskaya section is rough too. *The number of banks in the North Caucasus should be increased. To do this, it is proposed to establish “more lenient own-capital requirements” for small regional organizations. Procedures should be worked out that would allow banks with less capital to participate in Finance Ministry auctions and receive subordinated loans. Banks should get a profit-tax break if the money is directed toward increasing capital. *I propose an alternative solution for developing banking in the Caucasus. Just bury small jars of cash in different places. Representatives of these “small regional organizations” will be able to find them and save money on signs reading “Horns and Hooves” (a stock Russian name for a shady fly-by-night company). *The Chechen capital needs comprehensive residential development with schools, a park, and entertainment centers, as well as restoration of municipal infrastructure, says Chechnya’s deputy minister of economic development, Uvais Sultygov. According to him, the investment is estimated at 16 billion rubles. *Sure, because nothing helps stability in the Caucasus like amusement parks paid for by the rest of the country. The idea being, I guess, that instead of young people wandering the streets and drifting into crime, they’ll be riding the carousel. *The strategy also proposes creating Territorial Development Zones (TDZs) in the regions. The concept of a TDZ is much broader than that of a Special Economic Zone (SEZ), the authors explain: SEZs are specialized, while TDZs are not. In TDZs, all kinds of state support can be provided: tax breaks, subsidies, guarantees, simplified leasing terms, and special insurance contribution rates. Some of these measures are said in the strategy to be “analogous to the draft law ‘On the Skolkovo Investment Center.’” *Well, that part is clear. Give us state support, and we’ll build more distilleries. and most importantly: *The strategy is to be implemented by a North Caucasus development institution modeled on Vnesheconombank (VEB), the document says. The supervisory board of this institution is to be made up of federal and regional officials and businesspeople, and it is to be headed by the president’s envoy to the district — that is, Khloponin. The capital of this North Caucasus VEB is to be formed from the funds of the Russian VEB, the country’s largest banks, and the federal budget. *That’s why Khloponin beat Vaganych (Petrosyan’s nickname). That one just tells unfunny jokes, while this one tells unfunny jokes and doesn’t forget about the money. The kind of money Vaganych is unlikely to make even from corporate gigs.