Lucky you. You can talk about a beaver’s little house without fear. No one will come after you for a song from *The Bremen Town Musicians* (a famous Soviet animated musical). But I’ll be thrown into the punishment cell for it. The thing is, I’m banned from using certain words. Not swear words. But words that I and other prisoners are literally forbidden to say. Your obvious and interested question is: which words? Well, my answer may surprise you: I don’t know. It’s secret. Prison rules say that convicted inmates are forbidden, when communicating with others, from using words and expressions common in the criminal underworld. I have no idea what words those are or what exactly this “criminal underworld” is supposed to mean. To me, the criminal underworld is the Kremlin. When the prison guards reprimanded me for using the word “roof,” my eyes nearly popped out of my head. Nevertheless, in an official written reply (in the carousel), I was informed that, among others, I am forbidden from using the words “roof” and “khata” (a colloquial word for a hut or house, also prison/criminal slang for a cell or hideout). So both “our roof is the blue sky” and “the beaver’s little hut” are now phrases for which I can be punished. I went to court with what seemed like an obvious claim: you cannot take the words “roof” and “khata” away from a Russian person. In response, the prison authorities said they do have a list of words forbidden for me to use. But they will not give it to me. BECAUSE IT IS SECRET. It is so secret that they could not even bring it to court, and instead they submitted one of the most astonishing legal documents I have ever seen. A sheet of paper that says: “roof” — … p. 50; “khata” — … p. 95. There exists a secret USSR Ministry of Internal Affairs reference guide from 1983 containing the secret meanings of various words, the list of which is itself secret. But I am required, under threat of punishment, not to use words from this guide. Need I say that the judge, shouting, “Of course this is lawful, what are we even discussing, we get a bonus for every case Navalny loses!” ruled in favor of the prison? Just imagine it. Tomorrow, on television, they announce: “Starting Monday, everyone is forbidden from using words employed by chuchundriks. Who the chuchundriks are and which words they use is secret, but violations will be fined.” Absurd? No—this is the reality I live in, and you live in too. I have gone to the Supreme Court to demand that this idiotic rule itself be declared unlawful and struck down. This should be interesting.