When you're sitting in SHIZO (a punishment isolation cell in a Russian prison) and have very little entertainment, one way to amuse yourself is by corresponding with the prison administration. Here are a few replies from Penal Colony No. 6 to my requests: 1. “In response to your inquiry, we inform you that no, two packs of makhorka (rough tobacco), a bottle of homebrew, and a balalaika cannot be issued to you in SHIZO.” 2. “In response to your inquiry, we inform you that nunchucks and a staff cannot be issued to you in a SHIZO cell.” 3. “In response to your request that the lunatic in the cell opposite be given a megaphone so he can shout even louder, we inform you that a megaphone cannot be issued in a SHIZO cell.” 4. “The kimono and black belt you requested cannot be issued to you in a SHIZO cell.” 5. “In response to your demand that your cellmate, who killed a man with his bare hands, be awarded a 10th-degree black belt in karate, we inform you that the awarding of qualification ranks in martial arts is not a matter considered by the institution’s administration.” 6. “In response to your demand that your unit supervisor be provided with a massage chair to relieve stress, we inform you that we do not have a massage chair.” 7. “We cannot provide you with the names of the service dogs” (it was also explained to me orally that if I learned the dogs’ names, I might befriend them and use that to escape). 8. “In response to your request for clarification as to whether you need permission to keep a cockchafer (May beetle), we inform you that the insect in question belongs to the animal kingdom and therefore cannot be issued to you.” 9. But the most important and outrageous part is this. I will not let this stand. Under the internal regulations, a convicted prisoner may keep an animal with the administration’s permission. I officially demanded that I be granted permission to keep an animal—a kangaroo. I was refused on the grounds that a kangaroo is a diprotodont marsupial, and such creatures are prohibited in SHIZO. I will continue the struggle for my inalienable right to have a kangaroo.